MARIETTA S01E02, GOODBYE TO LOVE :
Marietta is at her Washington, DC apartment, where she is saying goodbye to her husband, who is leaving for Sierra Leone.
Marietta: Danny, do you really have to go?
Danny: We’ve been through this, Marietta. The people of Sierra Leone need us more than you do. You’ll be fine on your own for 6 months.
Marietta: But I DO need you.
Danny: Why? You have Patty Lynn, and Martin, and Milton.
Marietta: They’re all crazy. Don’t leave me with these crazy people!
Danny: I know you’re joking, but your family is really lovely. You should treat them better. I think they’ll provide more than enough company for the next six months
Marietta: But I need you. I haven’t told you yet, but I’m running for mayor of New Orleans. I need you to appear on the campaign trail. I was already criticized in my Senate reelection because you didn’t appear on the campaign trail with me enough. And I treat them just fine. I’m so nice to my family. Believe me.
Danny: So that’s why you “Need me.” Not because you’ll miss you.
Marietta: Don’t you start with me. You’re the one abandoning me. It’s not right.
Danny: Well, that’s true I guess. It’s not fair to always –
Marietta: Hold on. Milton’s calling!
Danny: Ignore it.
Marietta: It has to do with the campaign. It’s important.
Danny: Whatever Marietta.
Marietta: Hey Milton? What’s crackalackin’ down in N’Awlins?
Milton: Never say “crackalackin’” again. Seriously. Anyways, when are you going to tell Mom and Dad about the campaign?
Marietta: I’m not.
Marietta: At least, not until I announce it to the world. Because Mom will try to convince me not to run, and Dad will agree because he has no spine when it comes to Mom.
Milton: I’m not going to let you do that to Mom and Dad. They deserve to know.
Marietta: Well, then you tell them for me. Gotta go, Mom’s calling. Thanks, bye.
Patty Lynn: Marietta! I made you a cheesecake! I sent it to your apartment, and it should be delivered soon.
Marietta: Why did you bake me a cheesecake?
Patty Lynn: Because I love you and I love that we’re going to get to see you more now that you’re moving back to New Orleans.
Marietta: Why do you think I’m moving back to New Orleans?
Patty Lynn: Because why wouldn’t you? What do you have in DC?
Marietta: I have my friends, and my apartment, and I’ve been offered a job as a lobbyist. I haven’t decided what I’m doing yet.
Patty Lynn: Send back the cheesecake.
Patty Lynn: Cheesecake is only for children that care enough about their moms to move back to New Orleans.
Marietta: Fine, I’ll move back to New Orleans! Can I have to cheesecake now?
Patty Lynn: Do you mean it?
Patty Lynn: No. You can’t have the cheesecake. I’m not convinced.
Maria, the fiancée of Marietta’s son Kyle, is calling.
Marietta: I gotta go, Mom. Maria’s calling.
Patty Lynn: Ugh!
Marietta: I know, right? I dread this.
Patty Lynn: Just for the struggle, you can eat the cheesecake.
Marietta: Thanks Mom. Bye!
Patty Lynn: Bye.
Marietta: Hey, Maria!
Danny (in the background): Oh, come on!
Maria: Hey, Marietta.-
Marietta: Call me Senator Landfield.
Maria: Alright, Senator Landfield.
Marietta: Come on! I’m obviously messing with you.
Maria: Oh. I just wanted to call to ask if we could meet up a bit over the next six months. We’ll both be without our partners, and I thought we could use the company.
Marietta presses the mute button on the phone.
Marietta: Oh, sweet baby Jesus.
She turns the mute button off.
Marietta: You’re a Democrat, right?
Maria: That’s an odd question, but of course I am. I voted for Hillary and volunteered for her campaign. What does this have to do with hanging out?
Marietta: That’s great. Anyways, I’m running for mayor of New Orleans.
Maria: Aww, that’s great.
Marietta: I wasn’t finished. I want you to work for my campaign. You can be whatever you want, as long as it isn’t the campaign manager. That’s Milton’s job.
Maria: Really? Oh my goodness, that you! I’d love to work for you.
Marietta: It’s nothing, really. You’re family. Family helps family. Anyways, I gotta go. Danny’s waiting for me.
Maria: Alright. Bye, Marietta.
Marietta: Bye bye, now.
Danny: F***ing finally!
Marietta: Oh, you get off your high horse! Those were very important calls.
Danny: You talked with your mother about cheesecake!
Marietta: That was the most important call!
Danny: I really have to go now. So, bye Marietta. I’m leaving.
Danny slams the door and walks out.
Marietta: Well, I guess I’ll go to the Senate. I gotta clear out my office so Betty Benoit doesn’t have a hissy fit.
Marietta is sitting alone in her office, talking to herself and eating the cheesecake baked my Patty Lynn.
Marietta: I’m just so lonely here. I wish I was in New Orleans. Or Florida.
NY Senator Tammy Yarborough: Oh dear, nobody wishes that they’re in Florida.
Marietta: Tammy! I’ve missed you so much.
Tammy: Missed me? I’ve been here day and night for like three months. I gotta get stuff done before I leave for good.
Marietta: I’ve been so busy with the reelection campaign and-
Tammy: I’m so sorry about how that turned out, Marietta. You deserved better than that. You deserved a proper sendoff after all of the work you’ve done in the Senate. At least New York let me have a proper sendoff. Louisiana could take a few notes.
Marietta: It’s fine, really. And don’t go after Louisiana! I do have a question for you, though. Why are you leaving? You’re the Senate majority leader, Tammy. That’s so much power to just give up.
Tammy: With great power comes great responsibility. It was too much for me. I held the position for 12 years. That’s a long time. I needed a break. Also, did you see the results this year? To say it was a s***show would be an understatement.
Marietta: We didn’t do that badly.
Tammy: We lost 11 seats. If that isn’t bad I don’t know what is.
Marietta: Well at least we won New Hampshire.
Tammy: You’re right, Marietta. The losses in Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, Indiana, Florida, Arizona, Ohio, Louisiana, and Georgia don’t matter because we won New Hampshire.
Marietta: Wow, that is a lot.
Tammy: Ya think? We went for a 60 seat supermajority to a 49 seat minority. That’s beyond ugly. But remember. At least Marjorie Hausen remains in the Senate serving New Hampshire.
Marietta: I can’t believe we lost our majority. Nobody thought that would happen.
Tammy: Well nobody expected freakin’ Rosenburg to get indicted on fraud charges two weeks before the election. Nor did we think McCarthy was going to resign because “Boo hoo. My wife left me to be with another woman.” Deal with it like a man, Ron.
Marietta: Do you know how awful that sounds?
Tammy: Nope, and I don’t care.
Marietta: Anyways, you gave up because of the bad crop of candidates? Why couldn’t you fight?
Tammy: Marietta, I’m not exactly a spring chicken. I need to relax. I’ve got like six seasons of Scandal to watch. I gotta chill.
Marietta: Did you just say chill?
Marietta: You did, but whatever. Want a slice of cheesecake?
Tammy: Marietta, I’m the senior senator from New York. The only cheesecake that exists to me is New York Cheesecake.
Marietta: But it’s so good.
Tammy: Not as good as New York Cheesecake. Sorry.
Marietta: I’ll have to tell my mother you don’t like her baking.
Tammy: Now don’t you start with me.
Marietta: I’m just messing with you, Tammy.
Tammy: I’m going to miss this so much.
Marietta: I will too. That’s why I wanted to ask you something really important.
Tammy: What is it?
Marietta: Would you work for my mayoral campaign?
Tammy: Mayoral campaign? What mayoral campaign?
Marietta: I’m running for mayor of New Orleans. And I want you the be my chief of staff.
Tammy: Oh, really? That’s so great, Marietta! I’m so glad you didn’t just give up on politics. It’s truly your calling in life. And sure, I’ll join your campaign. Scandal can wait.
Marietta: I’m so pleased that you want to be a part of the campaign.
Just then, Betty Benoit enters, wanting to set up her office.
Marieta: Hide me, Tammy!
Tammy pushes Marietta to the floor.
Tammy: Crawl out of here. I’ll deal with the Wicked Witch of Eastern Louisiana.
Marietta crawls out, but Betty sees her.
Betty: What the heck are you doing? This is just embarrassing.
Marietta: Well, I am on all fours because I am obviously trying to get out of here without you noticing. And I’ve failed.
Betty: Just like you failed to get reelected.
Marietta: Screw you.
Betty: Wow, what a warm, loving woman.
Marietta: My mother always said if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything nice at all. I’ll never have to see you again after today. Good.
Betty: You wish you could be so lucky. See you later Landfield. Oh, and make sure my office is cleared out my 10 AM tomorrow. I want to be able to move into it then.
Tammy: F*** you, Betty Benoit!
Betty: Wow, you’re mighty feisty for a Senate Majority Leader. That’s pretty unprofessional.
Tammy: Get out of Marietta’s office.
Betty: It’s my office.
Tammy: Oh, I didn’t know it was January 3 yet. My bad.
Betty: I’ll be on my way. But I’ll be back tomorrow.
Tammy: I’ll make sure I’m not here.
Betty leaves the building.
Marietta: Let’s freaking trash this office.
Tammy: I’ll go get some toilet paper and silly string.
Marietta: Why do you have that stuff in your office?
Tammy: Uh, to be prepared for this. Duh.
Marietta: Go get it, and let’s trash this place and go.
Tammy quickly runs to her office for the toilet paper and silly string.
Tammy: I got the stuff.
Marietta: Alright. You use the silly string. I’l throw the toilet paper. Let’s make this office a mess.
Just then, Kate Hagelin, the Senate Majority Whip, outgoing senator from North Carolina and one of Marietta’s friends, walks up to the office.
Kate: What’s going on here?
Marietta: We’re trashing my office to annoy Betty Benoit.
Kate: Let me help.
Back in New Orleans, Milton is trying to break the big news to Patty Lynn and Martin.
Milton: Umm, I have some big news for you guys.
Martin: Are you finally getting married? Sarah really needs a mom.
Milton: No, dad. I’m not getting married. I’m not even dating someone.
Martin: Well what is it then? Have you realized you’re gay now like your cousin Eliza?
Milton: No, I’m not gay. And neither is Eliza. She’s bisexual.
Martin: What’s the difference?
Milton: I’m not going to explain the difference between being gay and being bisexual to my 75 year old father!
Martin: I’m 77!
Milton: How is that better? You’re two steps closer to being dead.
Martin: Well that was just uncalled for.
Milton: Well, I’m sorry dad.
Patty Lynn: Gee whiz! What’s your news then?
Milton: Well now I don’t want to tell you ‘cause you’re both mad.
Patty Lynn: Milton Maurice Landfield, I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it! Tell us your news!
Milton: Marietta’s running for mayor!
Martin: Well now you’re just making things up. Because she isn’t.
Milton: Um, yes she is running.
Martin: She would have told me first, I’m her beloved dad.
Milton: Well she didn’t. She told me first. And she asked me to tell you guys because she was afraid you’d try to talk her out of it. Mom, what the heck are you doing?
Patty Lynn: I’m calling Marietta.
Patty Lynn: To tell her not to run.
Milton: Why? She wants this so much!
Patty Lynn: Because Amy Applewhite reportedly wants it, too. And she’s a stone cold bi-
Patty Lynn: Sorry. My point is that she’ll chew you up. She’s a maneater.
Milton: First, did you just quote Hall & Oates? Second, that doesn’t even make sense. She’s not that bad. Sure she’s farther r-
Patty Lynn: I don’t care about her policies, she’s a Democrat and that’s all that matters. But in 1996, she ran for city council. Against her grandmother. And ran some nasty attack ads.
Milton: Well, she sounds lovely.
Patty Lynn: And she’ll be even worse to Marietta. I can’t watch my baby girl get slandered again. Not after that vicious Senate election.
Milton: I know it’s hard. But let her have it. Especially with Danny leaving her-
Patty Lynn: What???
Milton: Oh, not in the divorce kind of way. In the left the country way.
Patty Lynn: Honestly, I don’t know which is worse.
Just then, Marietta storms in.
Marietta: What are you guys talking about?
Milton: I told them your news.
Marietta: Oh, what do you guys think? Are you ready to join team Marietta?
Milton looks at Patty Lynn, to make sure she keeps her thoughts to herself.
Patty Lynn: I sure am, Marietta! Let’s make this official.
Marietta: That’s great. But before I do that can we just sit down as a family and do our favorite thing. I’m in such a sad state with Danny and Kyle gone.
Patty Lynn: You want to play Monopoly?
Marietta: Yes. Because I know that I can beat you all.
Martin: I highly doubt you’ll be able to beat me.
Milton: Excuse me, but I think I can beat you all.
Patty Lyn: Well I’m a sh***y Monopoly player so I know you’ll all beat me. But let’s go play. I think we’ve got the time.
17 HOURS LATER
Patty Lynn: Oh my gosh, this is the longest game of Monopoly I have ever played.
Marietta: It’s not Monopoly. It’s US Senate-Opoly. It’s very special.
Martin: You only think it’s special because it’s got your face on it .
Marietta: I’m not that superficial. It’s special because it’s one of only a hundred copies in existence.
Patty Lynn: For good reason. It’s awful. Why is this our favorite game?
Marietta: Because it’s so long, we get to make lots of family memories.
Patty Lynn: Family memories my a**! Your brother’s been asleep for five hours!
Milton: I just landed on Marietta’s space! And it has hotels on it-
Marietta: They’re not hotels. They’re Senate buildings.
Milton: Oh, who gives a crap? The point is, I’m finally out. Night night.
Patty Lynn: It’s just me and you now-
Patty Lynn looks over at Marietta, who has fallen asleep, just like Martin and Milton.
Patty Lynn: Goodnight, my loves.
WRITTEN BY: Rebecca Bunch
CREATED BY: Rebecca Bunch
PRODUCED BY: Rebecca Bunch, TVRGO