OUR HOUSE S01E01, OUR PILOT:
Teri Bellwood is driving down Burnett Avenue in her hometown of Lakey, Virginia with her mother Betty when she notices a ‘for sale’ on the lawn of her dream home.
Teri: Wow, I can’t believe this place is for sale. I’ve always loved it! That lawn, the stone facade, the giant in-ground pool, the huge living room…
Betty: How do you know what the living room looks like?
Teri: When I took the neighbor kids trick-or-treating, I took them to this place and I looked inside. It has a chandelier, I know how much you love those!
Betty: Well that’s… interesting. But you know how I love a good chandelier, so the craziness of what you just said is lost on me.
Teri: I was joking, mom. I’m not crazy. I did what all normal people do: I looked it up on the internet. Luckily, the real estate site I frequently use had some pictures of it. I saw the bathroom, too! It has a bidet! A bidet, mom!
Betty: What’s a bidet.
Teri: Look it up.
Betty: Hey Suzy, what’s a bidet?
Teri: It’s not Suzy, it’s Siri!
Betty: Oh. Is it named after Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s daughter?
Teri: No, that’s Suri. I’m talking about Siri.
Betty: Alright. I don’t hear a difference but that’s just me.
Teri: So, back to the house. I really wish I could buy it. I mean, it’s perfect for me.
Betty: 10,000 square feet is perfect for you?
Teri: Oh don’t be silly mom! It’s only 9,800.
Betty: That is a pretty normal size. Your father told me when we were buying a house that if it was below 9,800 square feet, we should just walk. Anything under is just too small.
Teri: I don’t mean it that way! I mean it in the way that I could finally live my dreams and have a beautiful palace to call my own.
Betty: I think you’re about two million short of that dream, sweetie.
Teri: To quote Barbra Streisand, don’t rain on my parade!
Betty: It’s less “raining on your parade” and more “bringing you back to earth.”
Teri: I know, but wouldn’t it be nice?
Betty: It certainly would be. But it’s not realistic. You’ll just have to settle for the perfectly acceptable home that you currently live in.
Teri: That’s so… nice.
Betty: I try to be.
Teri: Sarcasm, mom!
Betty: Well that’s mean.
Teri: Oooooh! Look where we are! Time for you to not be here.
Betty: You’re in a mood today, dear. You’ll never get a new friend that way.
Teri: I have Danielle and Stacy, and they’re all I need!
Betty: I don’t mean it that way.
Betty: you are getting up there! I need grandkids!
Teri: Tammi and Zeke…
Betty: Other than them! They’re nothing compared to the baby you’ll make in there.
Betty points to Teri’s stomach.
Teri: Out. Now.
Betty: Bye sweetie.
Teri: Bye, mom. Send my love to dad.
Betty: I will. But it is 7 o’clock, so he’s probably busy watching Erin Burnett on the CNN. I won’t be able to speak to him.
Teri: It’s not “the CNN.” It’s just “CNN.”
Betty: Agree to disagree.
Teri: This isn’t a – you know what? I’ll let it go.
Betty: Thank you, I appreciate that.
Later that night, at Teri’s house…
Teri: I can’t believe that my dream home is for sale. And that I can’t afford it now. Or really, ever. Or that I’m talking to myself and watching CNN. I’m really scaring myself. I think I’m becoming an awful mix of my parents.
Just then, a commercial that features the Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young song “Our House” begins airing.
Teri: That’s it! I won’t make it my house, I’ll make it our house! I have to call mom!
Teri picks up her cell phone to call Betty, but stops when she notices the time.
Teri: 11:45? Maybe this can wait until tomorrow.
The next day, at 8:47 AM, Teri makes the call.
Teri: Hey mom. Good morning!
Betty: Why are you so cheerful this early in the morning? New Day isn’t even over yet!
Teri: Well, I have a proposal. But the whole family has to hear it. Come to my house tonight at 4. It’s really important.
Betty: I guess. As long as it’s not three hours or longer.
Teri: I know, dad has to get home to watch Erin Burnett.
Betty: Actually, we’re going to dinner tonight. He’s recording Erin Burnett.
Teri: Either way, you’ll be fine. It’s not gonna take that long.
Betty: Then we’ll be there! With bells on.
Teri: Sounds good!
Teri also calls the other members of her family, including her siblings, cousins, niece and nephew, and her best friend. She then gets to work on a presentation.
Teri: Okay, I just need some poster board and a projector and probably a bit of magic. But booze might work.
That night, at the meeting.
Teri: Thank you all for joining me! I have a really important proposition for all of you. I think you’ll find this quite fascinating.
Jerry, Teri’s brother-in-law: Oh my, I think Teri’s gotten involved in a pyramid scheme. Teri, it’s not too late to get out of this!
Teri: Shut up Jerry! This isn’t a pyramid scheme!
Ralph, Teri’s brother: What is it then?
Teri: That’s a great question, Ralph! So, you know how all of our houses are good, but not great?
Karl, Teri’s dad: Yes! My house is just fine. Nothing special.
Teri: Thanks for the enthusiasm, dad! I appreciate it!
Karl: Anything for you, sweetie!
Teri: Well, I’ve got a solution for this. Here everyone, have a beer, tequila, hard lemonade, hurricane, just an alcoholic beverage of any kind.
Zeke, Teri’s nephew: I don’t know what this is about, but I appreciate any offer of alcohol. So I’m content.
Teri: That’s the spirit!
Velma, Teri’s cousin-in-law: I appreciate all puns. That was a good one
Teri: I am quite punny! And you can all hear even more of those puns soon!
Teri: This is why I’ve gathered you all here today. The house on this projector right here is 1743
Burnett Avenue. It’s a beautiful estate that we would be lucky to live at. So wouldn’t it be great if we could?
Cindy, Teri’s sister: What are you getting at here?
Teri: Good question. I want all of you, and we can only do this if we all take part in this, to sell your respective houses –
Tammi, Teri’s niece: What?
Teri: Let me finish! I want you to all sell your houses. Then, we can all move into this house together. It’s absolutely massive, we’d all have our own private space, and we’d get to spend more time together! It’s a win-win.
Betty: Honestly, I’m all for this. My house doesn’t even have a chandelier
Karl: Me too. Betty and me are getting up there and this can only be beneficial for us.
Cindy: I’m not quite sold. Do we really have the money for this?
Teri: Of course! None of us are exactly hurting for money. Well, except for Zeke, but he’s just here as a courtesy!
Zeke: Woo hoo! I’m here as a courtesy! That makes me special.
Mitchell, Teri’s cousin: Oh, you’re special alright!
Zeke: I know.
Cindy: He’s being sarcastic, dear.
Teri: Alright, let’s get focused! Who’s ready to move in?
Ralph: Sure, what could go wrong?
Tammi: I don’t know, Frank and I will have to think about it.
Teri: Where is Frank, by the way? He was invited! And the invitations said it was mandatory.
Tammi: His daughter had her baby today, we thought that was more important.
Teri: Is it though?
Tammi: I’d say so, yes.
Cindy: I don’t think I’d like this. I love my –
Teri: There’s a church 5 minutes away.
Jerry: We’re in.
Teri: Thanks for the enthusiasm! I know the power of Christ would compel you!
Danielle, Teri’s friend: My condo is a little small. I would love the extra space. But what are we gonna do with parking? There’s gonna be a lot of cars.
Teri: That’s a good question that I actually have an answer to! We’re gonna build a parking deck on the-
Danielle: No, that’s an awful idea.
Teri: What do you mean?
Danielle: Your idea. It is horrible.
Teri: I thought it was pretty top-notch.
Danielle: It really isn’t. That would cost so much money. We can just park in the driveway. And the street.
Teri: Sure, if you want to go with the boring solution.
Velma: I love being with this family, you’re the good half of Mitchell’s family. So I’m in.
Mitchell: What does that mean?
Velma: Your mother. She’s the wicked witch of Northern Virginia.
Mitchell: I don’t know if that’s fair to her. She’s not the nicest but she –
Velma: She drove into our garage with her Subaru Forrester. And then she lied and said it was the neighbor. And we’ve been feuding with the neighbor ever since.
Mitchell: Technically, we don’t know if it was my mom or not.
Velma: So you think the neighbor broke into her car just to drive it into our garage door?
Mitchell: It’s possible.
Velma: No, it really is not.
Teri: So are you in?
Velma: I am. Mitchell, I don’t care if you come with. I’m the breadwinner in our house and I’m movin’ out!
Mitchell: Whatever you say dear.
Teri: Good! Now I’m just waiting on you, Tammi.
Tammi: I’m still trying to get ahold of Frank, Aunt Teri!
Teri: You know I hate it when you call me Aunt Teri! I’m only 11 years older than you!
Tammi: You’re my aunt and I’ll call you Aunt Teri if I want to.
Teri: Well now I just feel old.
Zeke: Aunt Teri, you never asked me.
Teri: Oh please, you live in a Super 8. We can do this without you.
Zeke: You don’t have to be mean about it.
Teri: You didn’t have to drink eight cans of beer and a bottle of vodka during this 45-minute family meeting, but you did.
Zeke: I was thirsty!
Teri: Okay. Sure.
Zeke: I can help out! I have $400! And a bus pass!
Teri: In that case, we don’t even need anyone else to chip in. I’m sure we can get it for $400.
Tammi: Y’know what? I’m sure Frank will be fine with it. Let’s do it.
Teri: Yes! I knew you guys would come through for me.
Cindy: Are we going to see the house?
Teri: Why would you need to see it? All that you need are in the pictures right here!
Cindy: Because I’m selling my house so I can move into this place and I want to make sure it’s what I want.
Teri: I’ll call the realtor. Will tomorrow work for you guys?
Jerry: I guess.
Betty: Any non-7 PM time will work for your father and I.
Ralph: I honestly don’t even care about going. I’ll let you guys see for yourselves.
Teri: Okay, sounds good. You can all feel free to leave now if you’d like. Zeke, have someone take you home. You’re trashed.
Zeke (slurring words): I’m not trashed. You’re trashed!
Teri: That doesn’t even make any sense but I’m too happy to focus on you right now!
The next day, at 1743 Burnett Avenue…
Teri: Alright guys, here we are!
Cindy: Holy crap. It’s even bigger in person.
Zeke: That’s what she said!
Tammi: Zeke! There are children here!
Karl: Honestly, I can’t see anything going wrong with this plan. We’ll all get along great
Teri: Don’t rain on my parade, dad!
Betty: You keep saying that, Teri.
Teri: I know. It’s my ringtone! Anyway, looks like the realtor is here!
Realtor: Ooh, hello! I’m sorry I was so late! I got stuck behind like 10 cars and they all followed each the whole way. Isn’t that strange?
The family stares at the realtor.
Realtor: Oh, was that you guys? I didn’t even notice all of you! I’m Jeanne, and I’m the realtor. The house just went up for sale, so we’re really surprised that someone’s already interested in it.
Teri: Well I’ve had my eyes on it for quite awhile. I have a special connection to it.
Jeanne: Oh that’s nice! Let me show you inside.
The family heads into the house.
Jeanne: This is the living room. As you can tell, it’s quite large.
Cindy: Holy crap on a cracker.
Jeanne: I get that a lot when I show homes in this neighborhood. The houses are all quite stunning.
Velma: Pictures really don’t capture the beauty of this place.
Jeanne: We get that too. May I ask how y’all are related to Miss Teri and why there’s so many of you house hunting with her?
Cindy: I’m her sister, she’s her cousin-in-law, and that’s her mom, among others. And we’re all moving in. Not just Teri.
Jeanne: My goodness! That’s funny!
Cindy: Oh we’re serious.
Jeanne: Stop it! I’m laughing too hard!
Teri: She’s not joking.
Jeanne: My goodness, this surely is a unique family!
Jerry: Let me cut to the chase: How much is this gonna cost us?
Jeanne: Well the asking price is $1.6 million. The owners are moving to California and really would like to get it off their hands.
Teri: We’ll give you 1.5. Sound good?
Jeanne: Why yes, yes it does!
Teri: Can we go sign some paperwork now? Like, right now?
WRITTEN BY: Rebecca Bunch
CREATED BY: Rebecca Bunch
PRODUCED BY: Rebecca Bunch, TVRGO
Catch an all-new episode of Our House on The TV Ratings Guide, next Monday at 8 PM!